You must be careful, however, how you tell your story. The ego is a clever helper, only too willing to varnish the facts. Now here is the crux: the ideal epitaph is a confession.

The stone is there to help you bare your soul. The stone is there to remind you that, if you go too far, you can't retract your epitaph. The stone is there to insure that you are dead sure you've got what you want.

What this means to you is that you need competent counsel. Whether you are planning a LIVING EPITAPH or a FINAL one, here's a way to start:

Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Lance Hardie, Dead or Alive, P.O. Box 4595, Arcata, CA 95518. Your privacy is paramount. Therefore, no confidential information will be transmitted over the Internet. You will receive THE FORM, which will be self-explanatory. Study it, revise it, be happy with it, then send it in for evaluation and counsel.

Will this be expensive? You bet. And there is no die-now-pay-later deal either. So there you have it. Will these words scare you away? What do you think you are buying, anyway?

Expensive, yes -- from a source with a heart of gold: Lance Hardie is the only top-of-the-line epitaph artist to offer free epitaphs to prisoners on death row and to U.S. military personnel with orders to report to a combat zone.

Remember: "Worth dying for" is not just a slogan. An epitaph is forever, and a Lance Hardie epitaph is the forevermost you can buy on this planet.